We could have had it all
by DuringMyDarkestHour
Summary: When Christian discovers that Ana is pregnant and he can't control it, he does a stupid thing causing him to lose the one who he loves, years of searching for her lead to a discovery Christian isn't sure he can cope with. But he won't let go, he can't not now, not ever! Bad summary, OC, Mention of cheating, NO character death. Rated T - FOR NOW.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello there everyone, this is my first FSOG fanfic so don't expect any miracles. For now this will be rated T as I am not all that interested in writing smut but as the story unravels the rating MAY change, so be warned. **

**This chapter also turned out a lot more cheesy? I guess... than I anticipated, but fear not! The next chapters won't be like this one at all. And also please note that when I mention Teddy playing football I am referring to 'soccer' But I'm British, so yeah... football.**

**Oh and before I forget, I own nothing, FSOG belongs to the wonderful E.L James.**

* * *

**(5 years prior to this day)**

**''I can't do this anymore Ana, I'm sorry.'' Christian admitted staring at a now tearful Ana. ''What's her name?'' Ana gently questioned which riled Christians emotions, '**Goddamn it Ana! Hit me! Hate me! Scream at me! PLEASE!'** his mind shouted at him but he couldn't actually bring himself to say these words so instead he just said ''Courtney.'' Ana let out a heartfelt sob and looked to Christian to see him just calmly waiting for her response. She gained her courage and looked him in the eyes to ask him the most unnerving question yet... ''do you love her?''**

'NO, NO ANASTASIA! HOW CAN YOU EVEN THINK THAT! She's just a sub, she means nothing to me, I love you, I love you, I. Love. You.'

**''Yes.''**

**Ana dropped to her knees heartbroken, breaking eye contact with the man she loved at his revelation. Her sobs became louder and more pained. In a split second Christian was on his knees with his arms around her consoling her and for a brief moment Ana could do nothing but feel content in his arms. '**I love you so much Ana but I'm broken, please don't cry, don't cry for me, I am unworthy of a goddess like you, my sweet, sweet Ana.'** Something turned inside of Ana and without warning she pushed Christian onto his bottom. ''Is this because of the baby?'' she asked rather harshly, placing a gentle hand over her stomach as to protect the life growing inside of her in the process. Christian stands up and takes a quick glance at her but after seeing her facial expression, averts his eyes to the wall behind her.**

**''Yes''**

**Inside his head Christian was going insane, here he was telling the love of his life that he needed a divorce, everything was perfect for them before THAT THING ruined it all. He was in control of his urges before and Ana understood perfectly that he still on some level needed his control; it was who he was and she didn't want to change him. So why did she do this to him? Put him in a situation that he can't control?!**

**''I'm sorry Ana'' he broke, holding back a sob ''If you would just choose me instead of it then we could be hap-'' he was cut off by Ana throwing a shoe at him, missing him by millimetres, ''what the hell Ana!'' he snapped. ''don't. You' dare Christian Grey!'' She stalked towards him but Christian held his own and remained on the spot ''even if you didn't cheat on me I would have still of chosen this baby! But that's the whole thing here Christian, YOU. CHEATED. So no, I couldn't choose you over this baby, couldn't, shouldn't, and won't!'' she screamed before breaking into sobs again beating at him, still careful to avoid his chest.**

**For several moments Christian let her beat him, this is the reaction he needed from her, he knew what he had done was wrong and he needed her to be angry at him so the divorce would be easier on her. All of a sudden she stopped looked up at him and he looked at... peace? His eyes shut his mouth in a straight, line and he was still.**

**Ana looked around, her sobs easing off and Christian had yet to open his eyes and plead for forgiveness, but it never came. This was it. They were over.**

**Christian being in a World of his own didn't notice her slipping out of the room and only broke out of his spell when he heard the door shut behind her.**

(Present time)

''Good morning sir'' the paper boy waved to Taylor just outside of the hotel on a bright sunny Seattle day. ''Morning'' he muttered entering the lobby holding a classified file. He whistled enthusiastically upon entering the elevator, he walked up to the double doors and pulled them open knowing that Mr. Grey was awaiting his arrival and did not have company, he scanned around the large room which appeared to be empty and then came to be standing in front of Mr. Grey's bedroom. As he raised a hand to knock he heard a voice from inside the room, he listened closely even though he knew he was wrong to eavesdrop but a smile grew on his normally 'business like' face as he heard ''Oh Anastasia, my life is nothing without you, please come back to me.''

Taylor coughed which startled Christian ''Mr. Grey? May I enter sir?'' he asked ''sure, whatever'' was his usual grumpy reply, on which he pushed open the door to reveal a broken man sitting by a desk with a bottle of scotch in one hand and a photograph of himself and Anastasia in the other. Christian sighed and leaned back revealing his blood-shot heavy eyes, with bags underneath and his hair pretty much covering his eyes, not to mention the 5o'clock shadow from around 10 5o'clocks ago, there were stains on his white shirt which looked like it had been worn for days, and he looked completely.. heartbroken.

''What do you need me for at this hour Taylor?'' Christian asked with a husky voice. ''This hour sir?'' Christian just glared at him, so Taylor walked over to the curtains and whipped them open revealing daylight. ''It's just turned 1:05pm sir'' Taylor responded amused with Christian who yet again was holding the photograph close to his heart. ''Sir, I have an important matter to discuss with you... It's about Ms. Steele's whereabouts '' Christian's head shot up ''Have you found her?!'' he asked, with hope in his voice.

''As you know Mr. Steele was of no help in finding Anas- I mean Ms. Steele and he had very un-kindly told us that he has not seen her in over a year and that he-'' Christian threw his chair back, ''Get to the point Taylor! Have you found my Ana or not?!'' he retorted. Taylor coughed nervously and continued skipping out on small un-needed details ''We have not located Ms. Steele.. Per say.. .'' Christian's face fell as he stumbled backwards hitting his head on the wall. Taylor cleared his throat ''Sir, we do have a location on a Mr. Theodore Raymond Steele though.'' Christian looked directly at Taylor confused, ''And he would be who exactly?'' without hesitation Taylor answered ''We are led to believe he is the son of both you, and Ms. Steele.''

Of all of the things to say that was not what Christian was expecting, long-lost brother, uncle, cousin anything but that! All of his breath left his body in his next sentence ''she kept.. She kept my baby? She didn't.. Oh Ana, my wonderful Ana you have blessed me with a son!'' a tear managed to escape Christian's eye, a tear of happiness ''Sir, that's all very good news I know, but it's how we came to find this information that is the bad news, 3 and a half years of looking for Ms. Steele showed up blank, until this was delivered to Escala'' Taylor says as he passes Christian the classified file.

Christian walks over to his desk and sits before opening the file, something fell out but he could worry about that later, and started reading what could possibly be the most devastating thing that he has ever had to read:

**State of Illinois**

**'affidavit/consent to termination of parental rights in the matter of: Theodore Raymond Steele, a person under the age of eighteen.'**

But what broke his heart even more is Anastasia had signed everything.

He cried. For the first time in about 6 months, Christian blubbered like a baby. He was a stupid man! Sending away his love, and his child. He needed to gain strength, he needed... he needed Ana, and he needed to meet his son! He looked down at his feet and saw what he had dropped, He looked down, and staring up at him was a little copper haired boy.

There were no words for the beauty instilled in this child. **His child.**

''Taylor, we're flying to Illinois! Where are they located exactly?'' Christian asked after gaining courage, this was his chid, HIS Ana and he was going to fight for them. ''Chicago, Illinois sir, we have a residential address where Theodore is supposedly living, but it's under the name 'Johnson, Ian Johnson.''

After a long flight and no answer at the 'Johnson' residence Christian was slowly giving up hope, what if they weren't here? What if Ana wasn't here? It would kill him to get this close and have no victory. He had even taken it upon himself to shower and shave for this meeting. He sat down on the steps outside of the small house and contemplated on what to do next. He sighed and looked directly across through a gap between the houses where what appeared to be a football match was happening it wouldn't normally of bothered him, but he had to pass time somehow so he stalked on over there and scuffled his way through the small crowd just in time to hear...

''GO TEDDY GO!''

Teddy? Theodore? My son? Christian watches as the boy shoots and scores the crowd cheers and the beautiful little boy runs towards his coach only to be picked up straight away and lifted high into the air before being swung down onto his hip and having a kiss placed on his forehead.

**'WHAT ARE YOU DOING, THAT'S MY SON! PUT HIM DOWN, PUT HIM DOWN NOW!'** Christian was furious, who was this man?!

He watched next as the man told Teddy how proud he was and ruffled his beautiful hair. Moving along the rails Christian silently begged to himself for Teddy to turn around and in that exact moment he did. 'Teddy, Teddy it's daddy, daddy's here.' He mouthed to his son. But he soon lost the little guys attention as he was placed on the floor and ran across the field in the complete opposite direction.

Christian took a deep breath and ducked under the railing and began journeying to the other side, only to stop in his tracks as the little boy reached his destination, he wrapped his arms around her waist..

His mommy,

**My** Ana!

Breathing became hard to do in those few wonderful seconds before he was ripped apart emotionally again as the man who had picked Teddy up spoke to Ana and said ''Hi baby'' before lovingly kissing her and stroking Teddy's hair again.

**His** Ana?

**NO! MY ANA!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you so much for the great feedback and reviews from the first chapter, I am currently answering them. As for a question many people have asked me 'Are you going to reconcile Ana and Christian's love?' Well the answer to that would be... I have no idea. I'm most likely just going to go wherever my muse takes me.**

**However, I would like you guys to have some input as you are the ones who are reading! So... what do you think should happen between the two? As for me, if I was cheated on my relationship would be done and dusted, but given that this is the World of fanfiction and Ana and Christian's relationship is one of your favourites, I will go whatever way you want me to with this.**

**I apologize profoundly for this chapter, it is indeed terrible, I've re-read it more than once, but I don't have the energy to re-do it right now, so I'm sorry, keep in mind I wrote this after less than 2 hours sleep, and illness.**

**I'm also going to attempt doing some POV chapters soon, but I never have, so for the time being I'll stick with what I know best.**

**A disclaimer stating that all of the FSOG works and characters belong to E.L James and not me, with the exception of 'Ian Johnson.'**

* * *

''Hi baby'' Ian greets Ana with a tender kiss, messing up their sons hair whilst doing so. ''I didn't think you would make it, you said you were busy at the office'' Ana smiles down at her son caressing his cheek ''I couldn't miss our little Teddy bears first game now could I?'' Teddy smiles back at her, that same smile that used to make her shiver all over, Christian's smile.

''Mommy! Mommy! Did you see me score?'' he shouts excitedly jumping up and down on the spot.

''I sure did buddy! I am so proud of you baby boy.''

''As am I.'' A familiar voice spoke from behind them. '**Oh no, please don't let it be him.'** Ana thought to herself as she slowly turned around to come face to face with...

**''Christian.''** She gasped,

''Hello Anastasia, you look... as beautiful as the day I met you.'' He smiled at her, his eyes full of love, which soon faded and became filled with hatred as the man who had kissed her came to her side and wrapped his arm around her waist. ''baby, who is this?'' Ian asked cautiously, eyeing the man who had called his girl beautiful.

Christian eyed him right back, wishing he could pry his fat sausage hands off of **HIS** girls beautiful body.

''erm, erh... C-Christian Grey... an old friend of mine.'' Christian glared at her... ''**friend?** Anastasia... really?'' he asked painfully putting emphasis on 'friend' his eyes saddening for a brief second before the anger kicked in. ''How about you tell the man the truth Ana? No? OK I will.'' He stepped forward towards Ian and continued ''I wish I could say it's a pleasure to meet you, but the pleasure is all yours, I'm Christian Grey, Anastasia's ex-husband and father of her son!''

Ana reached forward to hold Ian back but it was too late, he had already pounced on Christian and fist collided with his face. They each got a few decent punches in before Christian flipped them over and really started beating on Ian, people gathered around watching the fight not wanting to get involved but one person did.

''DADDY! DADDY! PLEASE STOP HURTING MY DADDY!'' Teddy shouted tears streaming down his little face. Christian out of breath looked up at the little guy and stood up breathing heavily, he strode over to him and crouched down to his level ''I'm okay baby boy'' he smiled, blood trickling down the side of his cheek from where Ian's ring had caught the skin, nothing could have prepared him for the pain of what came out of the 5 year olds mouth next ''Why did you hurt my daddy Mr?''

The pain in his heart was too much to bear, and he was unable to answer straight away and because of that Teddy ran over to Ian who had managed to rise to his feet and wrapped his arms around him holding on tight. Ian picked him up holding him to his chest consoling him until his sobs resided to sniffles. Both Christian and Ana could do nothing but watch. Ian walked over to them still holding Teddy close, ''Baby I think I need to go get checked over I think my nose is broken'' Christian couldn't help but think '**good!'** but yet his heart still hurt looking at the little boy clinging to the man's chest, '**my son! MY Ana! Not Ian's! MINE!'** Ana nodded, ''I'll come with you just give me a minute ok?'' she reached up and kissed his cheek, placing a kiss on Teddy's head too. Ian then proceeded to walk towards the exit of the park with Teddy still in his arms. 'Alone time with my sweet Anastasia at last' Christian smiled to himself. She turned to face him and waited for him to speak to his surprise, he was half expecting another black eye but it never came. ''Ana, I have some important things to discuss with you in private that can't wait, please come back to my hotel with me.'' He hopefully asked. ''Why so you can get into my panties? Hell no. I need to be with my fiancée whose nose you just fucked up, and my son! Who you just scared the life out of.''

Christian's eyes went huge, so much so that Ana believed they would pop out of his head! ''YOU'RE MARRYING HIM?!'' she nodded slowly holding up her left hand showing off her ring... ''You can't! I won't let you!'' he began shoving his hands through his hair and panicking. ''Can we not do this out here? And it's my decision Christian, not yours! You have no claim over me.''

He takes a calming breath, he needs to prove that he has changed, ''Will you please come somewhere so we can talk? It's important, please Ana, this is all I ask of you.'' He waits patiently for her reply and is surprised yet again when she says ''fine, I live just round the corner, we can go there.'' He beams his 1000 watt smile that she used to fall for every time and is disappointed when she only turns around, and walks away.

''I just need to tell Ian, and pick up Teddy.'' Christian nods and continues walking after her, Ian is leaning against the wall when they arrive at the exit with Teddy standing by his side holding his hand. Ana walks over towards Ian as Christian waits by the other wall, and watches her kissing him repeatedly with a million painful thoughts running through his mind '**My little boy doesn't know who I am, Anastasia is marrying another man, it should have been me, it NEEDS to be me.'**

After about 5 minutes of huffing and puffing, Christian spots Ana walking towards him alone. ''Where's Teddy?'' Ana continues walking in the direction of the house and replies ''we decided it was best if Teddy stayed with Ian, he's uncomfortable around you and would rather be with his father.''

Ana could practically see the steam coming out of Christian's ears, ''HE is not MY son's father! I AM!''

They stop and Ana sits on a bench nearby and Christian sits beside her. ''The parental rights Christian? I assume you are here to sign them away... do you have them?''

''No! And I'm not going to sign either! Teddy is MY son!'' he snapped. ''Christian please! You didn't even want him before he was born, in fact you were adamant that I were to terminate the pregnancy! Please... do this for me; don't you care about my happiness? Or Teddy's?''

Christian took a deep breath and released it ''Ana, Teddy is my son. If fucking Mr. Perfect wants a child then tell him to have his own!'' Ana sniffled and turned to face him. ''Ian can't have kids; we tried for a while and then went to the clinic. This is why having Teddy as his own is important to us, please sign the papers...''

Christian grumbled deeply and looked straight ahead ''you mean you've... You and Ian have... You've.'' Ana let out a singular giggle ''If you're asking if me and Ian have sex, then the answer is yes Christian.'' He crossed his arms and Ana smirked.

''This is the last thing you'll ever have to do for me Christian, then there will be no ties, you never have to see me again, please... let Ian claim Teddy as his own.'' He retorted quickly ''Well tough fucking luck! Just because Ian's swimmers don't do their fucking job '**thankfully'**, I'm not going to give him MY son!''

''Ian is Teddy's father whether you like it or not!''

''Ana stop! He is my flesh and blood! I WILL fight for him!''

''Where were you when he was born Christian?! Fucking some new sub perhaps? IAN however was there crying tears of joy and keeping me sane because YOU weren't there!''

''Ana...''

''Where were you when he said his first word Christian?! Because IAN was there to be called 'dada' for the first time! Not you! IAN!''

Ana... stop.''

''Where were YOU for his first steps?, First smile?, First laugh?, First cry?, First roll?, First day at school?, First camping trip?, First football match?, First birthday?, Second birthday?, Third birthday?, Fourth? AND Fifth?!... Hmm yes if I remember correctly YOU. WEREN'T. THERE... But can you guess who was there for each and every one of them? No? IAN that's who!''

Tears are freely running down Christian's face as he tries to picture each of the events that he had missed in his mind, ''Ana... baby please! Stop!''

Ana stood up and looked at him.

''Where were you Christian when I cried myself to sleep nightly? When I had nightmares, when I... when I was rounded with YOUR child? When I chose his name? When I called out for you to save me, to come back and to love Me.?... You weren't there.''

She took a step forward and looked down at Christian who was crying silently but looking at her with such hurt in his eyes and she continued...

''When I got so depressed that I resulted in self-harm? When I was about to claim my own life because I didn't want to do it alone anymore? When the pain was too unbearable to live with?''

Christian looks distraught at the mention of claiming her life and begins to panic ''No baby, no, no, no...'' he reaches for her but she recoils and leans down to whisper in his ear.

''You. Weren't. There.'' She then steps back and holding back her own tears pushes through to finish her statement. ''But Ian was... and do you know what he said to me when he found me on the verge of swallowing a bottle of pills?''

Christian just looks at her hurt and regret evident on his normally controlled and brave face.

''He said that he loved me. And I HATED you.''

She shakes her head as the tears begin to fall... ''I hated you for making me love you, and for making me hurt over you, and for making me do it all alone. I prayed to get the strength to get over you and to raise MY baby, I begged!... and it took me 2 years but eventually I agreed to go out with Ian... And that? Was one of the best decisions I have ever made.''

And with that, she carries on walking towards her house leaving Christian sobbing his eyes out on the bench.

After about half an hour Ana is pouring herself her second glass of wine, even after 5 years of living with a $7 bottle of wine she still wasn't accustomed to the taste, it was nothing like what she shared with Christian, but it at least did the job of making her forget painful things. There was a knock at the door, and another thing that had changed in her life since she and Christian had split was there was no security to take away those she didn't want to see! Knowing it would be Christian at the door she ignored it, until it became almost impossible to ignore with his constant rapping. She pulled the door open with force to be dragged into his arms and have his lips clash with hers for all of 5 seconds before she managed to push him away, she couldn't deny the spark if she tried, even after all these years, and tears there was still something, and after she regained her sane mind! She slapped him hard on the face before retreating to her upstairs bedroom.

'**Oh Ana, you do still love me, I felt it in your kiss.'** Christian smiled to himself relieved. He followed her into the house and closed the door behind him, she looked around at how she was living and couldn't imagine doing it himself, dishes in the sink, vacuum cleaner and ironing board out, he couldn't imagine Ana living like this either, not after living with him.

He followed her upstairs and looked around for her bedroom.

His heart almost stopped when he came to the door which had 'Teddy' written on the front in playing blocks stickers. He pushed the door open and hated himself for what he saw, a tiny little bedroom with an old broken, wooden bed with a Thomas the tank engine duvet set on, a little wooden train set on the middle of the floor with a stained cream carpet, A little blue wardrobe contacting just a few selective worn out t-shirts and jumpers, and a little black suit.

He turned around to come face to face with Ana who was leaning against the door frame.

''forgive me for kissing you, it was a moment of weakness, I shouldn't of done it.'' Ana giggled, ''It won't happen again until I've signed an NDA correct?'' Christian smiled at the memory but it didn't quite reach his eyes. ''You don't go anywhere without your security so where are they?'' Christian nodded ''downstairs in the SUV, Ana... how can you live like this? Why didn't you accept my money for crying out loud! One billion dollars is all I asked for you to take but you refused it! Why?!'' Ana sighed and walked into the room, ''because Christian, I wanted to forget you, forget our marriage and everything it entailed, the only thing I couldn't forget was my baby, and so I DID accept $10,000 dollars which is in his trust fund.'' Christian bowed his head down in defeat of the subject.

''You had your say earlier, I think it's only fair that I get mine now, please?'' he asked kindly... Ana nodded ''I've only got fifteen minutes before I have to leave so please, make it quick.''

''Okay baby, I just... don't know where to start.''

''If it's with 'sorry' then I don't want to hear it.'' She watched him close his eyes and take in a deep breath, ''can we sit?'' Ana nodded again and led him out of the room and downstairs to the sofa. ''After you left... the harsh reality set in that I was losing you, but I knew that a divorce was needed as I couldn't control my urges and I knew I would have hurt you even more than I had already... knowing that Teddy was growing inside of you made me lose my control and I...''

''No Christian, the divorce was needed because you soiled our marriage when you cheated on me bec-''

''Ana... it's my turn to speak now''

She looked away and he carried on anyway ''I should of left our marriage still faithful like I entered it and that was mistake number one, I admit but that's in the past now I'm a changed man.''

She began laughing ''Yep of course you are...''

''Ana hush!''

''Still ever so controlling though I see!''

''No baby, not controlling, I don't need control, just please... let me speak. Anyway, for about 18 months I... continued living life the way, I did, but I missed you every single day, I didn't know if you actually had our child, never mind the gender and I knew still that children were not on the cards for me. That was until I was ordered to my parents house for a family meal and Kate and Elliott were there with their newborn daughter Ava.''

Ana gasped in shock, ''They had a baby?!''

''Yes Ana two now actually, Ava and Joseph. As I was saying, they were there and I didn't pay any attention to the baby at all. It didn't bother or interest me until Elliott came over and dumped her in my arms because she had spit up all down his shirt. I refused to hold her but Elliott had already walked away leaving me with a little tiny person. I looked down at her little face and she yawned before looking at me in the eyes, she began to babble so I said hello to her and went to shake her little hand, and she... wrapped her entire hand around my finger and held onto it as she fell asleep in my arms. It felt... wonderful, I fell in love with this little person and wanted to protect her, and it disgusted me. I was so willing and able to love another's child when I didn't even give myself a chance to love my own.''

Tears started leaving his eyes again at his confession, and he looked to Anastasia who also looked as though she was about to cry.

''I didn't even know if my child existed Ana, and that broke my heart. I vowed then looking at the little angel in my arms that I would do everything in my power to change my ways and find you and hopefully our own little angel, I promised I would love you both and beg you for your forgiveness. I never stopped looking, I couldn't return to our home when you left so I moved into Escala, this time after my realisation I tore out the playroom, the search for you was all that was keeping me going, I hated myself for everything I had done. But then, days became weeks, weeks became months and months became years... 3 and a half years I looked for you baby, and I couldn't find you! Why Anastasia?''

She let her own tears fall ''You were looking for Anastasia Steele, not Anastasia Wilks.''

Wait what? Wilks? That sounds familiar...

''Your mother's name! Of course! You sneaky little... You obviously didn't want to be found back then.''

''No Christian, I didn't... it would of hurt too much.''

''But when you sent me the papers for rights over Teddy you surely must have wanted me to find you!''

Ana sighed and admitted ''No actually, I didn't. I thought because you never wanted him in the first place that you would simply sign them and send them, I never imagined you would turn up and cause a scene.''

Christian bends down in front of her and takes her hands in his own, ''but you see now baby, I always wanted you, I always looked, I love you Ana... and I know that you love me too, I felt it in your kiss.''

Ana looks away and takes her hands out of his before standing up and saying '' I have feelings for you Christian of course I do, but you're wrong... I don't love you.


End file.
